Aug. 25th, 2018 07:19 pm
⚔ post-execution w/ max ( week 2 )
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swordsinternally[ Well, he did promise that he would talk to her after everything, and once all the cooking and cleanup is done, he'll go and seek her out since he did, after all, promise that they'd talk again after they found out who the murderer is, after all. ]
You don't mind if we talk, do you?
[ He does look a little better than he was earlier, to say the least. ]
You don't mind if we talk, do you?
[ He does look a little better than he was earlier, to say the least. ]
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Do you...not have any feelings at all? Because you seem distant but not completely--y'know.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, what is it like?
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[ He's quiet for a few moments, and he can't help but stare at the ground, trying to think about it for moments on end. ]
I don't know. [ When he looks up again, it's with a bit of a tight smile. ] I want to say that I do have feelings, that I care a lot about everyone and wouldn't like to see them get hurt... but is that for the sake of those ideals? Or are those really the feelings of Emiya Shirou? I honestly couldn't tell you.
It's weird, though. Even though I still have these ideals, I also... remember giving up my ideals, too.
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Is that why you're talking like that? Because you don't feel like the same person anymore?
[Max isn't quite sure to react. What do you do in this situation? She can hardly wrap her brain around it, let alone comfort him. Can he even be comforted?]
...It's okay if you lost faith or lost your drive at one point, for someone who went through what you did, I think that would be natural...
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[ He can't help but sigh, running fingers through his hair. ]
It wasn't as if I did something like that, though. Rather-- I made the decision-- or at least, I remember making the decision to toss away those ideals for a single person. Because if I continued to become an ally of justice, it would mean sacrificing one person to save many.
I don't know... my memories haven't been a little hazy when it comes to remembering certain events. It's like I'm remembering a bunch of events that happened at the same time but had different outcomes.
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[LETS KEEP THAT IN MIND FOR LATER...]
I'm not going to pry on that, because I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation either.
[. . .]
I know a little something about different outcomes.
Do you want to tell me about these "repeating four days"?
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I don't know how, or why-- sometimes it's because I die, and other times it's simply because the monsters I see end up devouring the world.
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[...Monsters...?]
...How many times?
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I lost count. But... I'm fine. I'm alive. And we'll get out of here and go back to where we're supposed to be. And I'll end those four days with my own hands.
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Mm.]
You're strong, Shirou, I absolutely believe that you will.
[That's what she's supposed to say, right? That's the right thing? It's not like she doesn't believe it, but...It's complicated.]
I'm not going to say that I relate to you, because compared to your life, mine is...almost typical.
I have something hanging over me too. I keep trying to fix it, over and over, but all I do is make it worse. I force myself to relive all these moments and make different decisions, but it feels like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try...
It's like I'm trapped, searching for an answer that just isn't there.
But I have to go back, I can't leave it unfinished, not until I know for certain that everyone is safe.
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[ He can't help but laugh a little sheepishly, feeling a bit awkward at the slight bit of praise as he finds himself scratching the side of his cheek. ]
To be honest, typical is probably better. I don't think I would want anyone to live the life I do. I wouldn't force that on anyone, ever. But you have something hanging over you, huh... I don't know how much helpful I would be but if you want to talk about it, to get another opinion, I honestly don't mind listening.
Since it seems really important to you. And I want to help, in my own way. Even if it's just as little as hearing you out.
Ah-- I mean. If you want to, of course.
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It's been months since then. I...kind of stopped talking about it to the others. It's such a--my future has been kind of nebulous ever since I got here, so it's hard to...It makes me sad, I guess. If I think about it too much.
No, not I guess, it does.
The week before I got here, I...
[she expects to share her experiences with Shirou the way that he just did with her, but nothing comes out. Instead, she pulls back.]
Just--There was a lot.
I was, out of nowhere, given the ability to reverse the flow of time. I could go back and fix my mistakes, make different decisions. Infinite freedom, right? I could do anything, then go back and it's like it never happened.
Except, the power and responsibility that came along with that swallowed me up. All I ever ended up doing was making things worse, time after time, and I wonder if I didn't...
[the sound of gunfire fills her head suddenly, to the point where she physically winces.]
Even if no one remembers what happened, I still do. The people that were hurt, that died.
I wasn't ready for the guilt.
I guess that's...that's my deal.
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[ Hearing about someone else's pain, to say the least, causes Shirou to go quiet. He can feel the sting there and honestly? He can't be sure if it's because he genuinely feels that way or not. He really doesn't know. That much is the truth.
The struggle in how she pulls back, to him... it's more natural, he thinks. How a person should honestly normally react. He's quiet for a good moment and he can't help but fold his hands together, mulling it all in his head for a good.
Well. A good while, anyway. ]
That definitely does sound like a lot. It doesn't matter if it was changed or not... seeing someone die right in front of you--
[ He finds his mind reeling, remembering all the dead bodies from the fire. The corpses he found in the church basement. The screams that would echo in his head, calling out.
Shaking his head, he tries to pull himself together, taking a deep breath in, then out. ]
As long as you still remember it, even if nobody else does... it's still painful. It still hurts. The guilt doesn't really ever go away. It's something that we have to live with, but. I think what's important is that we really shouldn't have to carry those burdens on our own. That doesn't just mean about this place. But outside, too.
That's what friends are for, after all, right? [ He smiles, but it's something a little sad. More melancholy. ] I think that just by admitting all of that... saying that you made a mistake, owning up to it and fixing it... I think that really takes a lot, too. You're really brave to say that, Max-san. That's why I honestly believe that you'll be able to accomplish everything that you have to.
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I feel like I can finally, I don't know, be open about everything that happened to me. People who are also in impossible circumstances, that can finally relate to me. If there's any silver lining here, it's the people I've met.
[she lays her hands on her knees and leans forward, smiling in the same melancholy manner as Shirou.]
Thanks for opening up to me, and letting me open up to you, too. Stuff like this...is what's going to help us get through this.
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[ His words are soft, but there's something understanding about the way he says that simple one worded answer, but the fact that they've managed to share a lot today shows that they can do this.
That they can make their bonds strong... so that nobody else will die.
He wants to believe in this. ]
I'd say you're welcome, but I really want to thank you too, Max-san. It really means a lot to me, to be able to hear that, and to be a person that someone can open up to.
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I trust you.
You can make me those waffles any time, by the way.
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[ For some reason, there's some doubt in his voice; as if he doesn't truly believe it. Not that he doesn't think that Max's words are genuine-- rather, he feels like he honestly isn't a good person.
No.
Maybe the problem he has is fundamentally different. So he shakes his head and smiles. ]
Thank you. Ah... wait, I should probably ask. It's okay if I call you by your name without the honorific, right? [ That's how he shows that he really trusts someone, after all. ] I'll definitely make them again. I need to improve my waffle making skills.
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[he's...sweet. for all his sternness and stoicism, there's a little bit of innocence in their, too.]
I'm glad you're committed to delivering Max Caulfield the perfect breakfast.
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[ Shirou is trying his best, and he manages to actually smile this time. It's not sad at all. ]
Well... I want to become the best chef I can be. Besides, if I let up, Sakura's going to surpass me in skill in no time.
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We hardly even need those regular meals with you around, huh?
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